found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
