if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize