your parents love me but you hate me
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize