At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
