my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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