I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
