this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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