I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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