i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
