Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
