meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
did you just send me my own nude
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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