Yo dont text me then not text me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
