I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
