I just pynch a tree in the face
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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