dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
