This is not my ceiling
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
