I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
