the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
