Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
