So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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