ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
birth control should be required to get into college
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
