I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
