Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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