dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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