Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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