haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
