I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
