im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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