I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize