just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
