Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Holy shit dude........stairs
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
