I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
