No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
