I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
