I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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