There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
