My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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