dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
