matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
