I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
