she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
