so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
