She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
