it was like his penis was on wheels.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
