I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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