quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
