We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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