theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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