I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
