Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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