broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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