This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
