This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
