My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
