If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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