onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I look better un-naked...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
