i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
3pm strippers are depressing
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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