My underwear smells like fireworks.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
