Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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