I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
