yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
